Salutation Reform

So now that healthcare reform has been checked off the list, I'm hoping the government will focus on a piece of legislation that I've been waiting on for decades--salutation reform. Our culture has come so far over the past couple of centuries, yet we're still living in the Dark Ages when it comes to how we greet one another. If you know me, you know where I'm going with this. If you don't, then I'll spare you the guessing game. Let's do away with the handshake. In fact, let's make it downright illegal. I believe with all my heart that we can find another gesture to accompany the phrases "pleasure to meet you" and "hey, it's nice to see you again" than by offering an open palm. There are tons of options out there, ranging from ones I can support (the ever-so-slight bow used in some Asian countries) to those that I won't even consider (a kiss on each cheek).

From what I can tell, the handshake is the international standard, but I don't know why. I did some extensive research on the handshake...just now...on Wikipedia. While it appears that the origin is unkown, some think that it was first used as a sign of peace to show that the hand held no weapons. Well if you don't think millions of microscopic killer viruses qualify as a weapon, then shake on--I'm obviously from a different school of thought. And when was the handshake agreed upon as the accepted greeting?? Oh that I could've been present eons ago at the Global Salutation Summit where it was decided that an individual is rude unless they extend their unwashed, germ-coated hand to embrace yours. I don't know who they were, but I can only surmise that the decision makers were a group of filthy men with little to no respect for the perils of infectious disease. What they didn't know is that their descendants would someday become the same men (and women, or so I'm told) that have the audacity to visit the potty and then bypass the sink or Purell dispenser on their way out the door. Those men (and their potty-tainted ancestors) were (and are) completely oblivious to the existence of people like me who genuinely need therapy and/or medication to help deal with the reality of germs (important note: while I'm not currently receiving therapy or taking medication, I am confident that I am a strong candidate for both).

With the help of the federal government, we can do away with this culturally mandatory exchange of germs. The legislative process is my only hope at this point. Nothing else is working. I've tried the fist bump, but that went out with the 90s. I've tried the business-casual hug (using only one arm and initiating the hug sequence from the side instead of straight on). I've also tried the "I'd shake your hand but..." approach in which I finish that sentence with a semi-accurate word or phrase such as, "...I have something on my hands" or "...my hands are wet, dang bathroom didn't have paper towels." My guess is that you've tried some of these things too. Oh sure, they may work for a while, but you can only half-hug someone so many times before they start getting the wrong impression or before you forget that you've half-hugged them in the past and you inadvertently revert to a hand shake, which they interpret as a step backward in your relationship. This isn't working people. We need reform. And I'm willing to go bi-partisan on this. We don't need the help of the Tea Party, we just need enough people to take a stand against the Pee Party.

If you're with me, give me Faux Five--it's like a high five, but our hands stop short of touching.